Welcome to the Blog Hop Comparison: Thief of Joy? where bloggers from all over the world are invited to share their ideas about Theodore Roosevelt’s quote: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Do you agree of disagree with Teddy’s POV? Please share your unique perspective.
Linking in to the Comparison Blog Hop on Dangerous Linda and Everyday Gyaan.
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Is It or Isn’t It?
Once upon a time, before I became a mother, I would have said comparison is never a thief of joy.
We compare apples and oranges, dogs and cats and basically everything that exists. When those comparisons are made one usually isn’t indicating that one fruit or pet is better than the other. They are just indicating their personal preferences.
However, now that I am a mother I’ve experienced a few situations where comparison was a thief of joy. It wasn’t a good feeling, it hurt and I walked away feeling like a failure. However, being a mom for almost two years has given me some time to learn how to deal with these situations.
Some thieves of joy and how I handled them:
Thief #1: Baby Development Books- “Your baby is supposed to be doing this by X age.” I know these are general guidelines but reading these and seeing how far behind my baby was made me feel like I wasn’t doing anything right. After a conversation and some encouragement from my parents I decided to get rid of the books. I have no regrets. Guess what? My baby has done everything she’s supposed to do on her own schedule.
Thief #2: The Shopping Mall Mom- “Oh, our kids look about the same age! Is your baby saying such and such? Because my baby is already saying three word sentences and modeling!” I tell her, Elisabeth isn’t really doing any of the things your kid is awesome at but she has a long attention span for learning, she’s been using her potty chair since 18 months, she signs over 60 words in ASL and she can walk in high heels. I think it’s important to share some things Elisabeth is good at while acknowledging the accomplishments of the S.M.M.’s child too. I feel like that way I’m not walking away feeling bad and the S.M.M. isn’t feeling like I was trying to one up her child.
Thief #3: The Low Talker- I simply won’t repeat some of the mean and insensitive comparisons these people have made after seeing Elisabeth wearing her hearing devices. Guess what, I heard you and after that first guy, I’ve rehearsed some comebacks. Low talkers everywhere, you will walk away wishing you had just kept your comments to yourself.
Life with Elisabeth is amazing and she brings so much joy and energy to my life, even when she’s cranky. When I look at her, nothing else matters. She is her own person and will do things when she’s good and ready.
So, can comparison be a thief of joy? Sure, but I prefer to find a way to quickly deal with those thieves and move on. Focusing on the negative comparisons is also a thief of time and that time is something we can never get back.
Is there any room for comparisons in parenting? Certainly! I am fortunate to have a number of friends and family with kids around Elisabeth’s age. We love comparing what our kids are up to but it’s never a competition. It’s great being able to share in the joys and challenges of being a parent.
Thank you for joining the blog hop, PattyAnne and for bringing your beautiful daughter with you
It’s really sad how some people think they are perpetually in a competition and will use their kids to score points. In this process, they often fail to see the uniqueness of their own kids. But like you say dwelling on these ‘thieves’ is not going to get us anywhere – we deal with them and move on to being grateful for all we are and what we have. ♥
I really enjoyed writing this post, the subject is so thought provoking. I’ve read a number of the other participants posts and I need to think about all of the variations of perspective on this topic!
I’m hoping there will be more blog hops in the future!
Hi, Patty (& Elisabeth)! ~
Your post made me laugh and also tear up a little…
I can’t even imagine what negative things a ‘low talker’ would say about a beautiful baby? That strikes me as bizarre! Maybe Isla’s unique perspective will help protect her from some of the garbage the rest of us have to hear everyday!
This line cracks me up: “…she has a long attention span for learning, she’s been using her potty chair since 18 months, she signs over 60 words in ASL and she can walk in high heels.” She’s WAY ahead of me — haha! But, I guess that’s a comparison and I’m not going to compete with a two-year-old!
Love the photo in front of the Charlotte Russe display window!
Oh, and I love, love, love YOU! Thank you for all that you are!!!
PS I have a friend with a baby who has Down’s Syndrome who told me the same thing about child development books — best place for them is into the trash! I will share a link to your post with her.
I’d love to connect with your friend! I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggled with the development books.
Thanks for inviting me to the blog hop, I’m hoping there will be more in the future!
Here’s a comparison, similar to what Linda said above. Your daughter is already bi-lingual (if you don’t count reading lips). My son did well early learning to count in Spanish when he was little, but it has taken him 12 years to get to another language. And he doesn’t feel the need to compete with a two-year-old.
Here’s another comparison: my son is in a class for H.S. math with a nine-year-old. Most of his classmates are thrilled to make the comparison between themselves and this 3rd grader. They find a little bit of joy knowing him and love the comparison. It is wonderful how being able to compare themselves to him and how it is an opportunity to do so without making them worry about keeping up. They get to enjoy the spectacle and the excellence without being expected to keep up.
Thanks for stopping by Clarence! I have always thought learning a second language as a child is important too. I love that he isn’t interested in competing with a two year old!
Patty, my friend,
You are wise beyond your years! You continuously amaze and inspire me! Your little girl, Isla is so fortunate to have you as a mom!
Hi Julie! I am lucky to have you as a friend, you’ve always been so supportive. Thank you!
Your words reflect humor and hurt at the same time.. However through it all you showed the hand to ‘Comparison’ and the many ‘low talkers’…
Cherishing and acknowledging your beautiful daughter and her abilities is a gift you have given not only to yourself but to Elizabeth as well.
Thank you
Thanks for stopping by Savira!
I know that feeling of comparing children. My first in-laws continually compared their grand-kids one against the other. It was so bizarre and how easy to see the favorites, very sad. I am glad I did not have to raise my children around them.
That’s too bad your in-laws played favorites, kids definitely pick up on that. Thanks for dropping in!
You are one wise woman Patty Anne, not to compare your child with what the “experts” deem standard readiness. Children, like roses, bloom in the fullness of time, and when they’re good and ready.
http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2012/03/counting-stones.html
Thanks Debra! I look forward to checking out your blog
You have an amazing daughter and you know her abilities better than anybody else. People can be cruel, ignore them and enjoy Elisabeth’s company. She is adorable
Thank you for the encouraging words!
I can totally relate to you thinking here. When I was a young mother, I, too, felt that comparison was a heavy burden. This is a topic that not a lot of women admit to experiencing. Some are too caught up to realize what a responsibility it is to raise the “perfect” child. Great post.
Thanks Adriene!
Pattyanne, so nice to have met you. Parents, and their children (as they get older) can be very cruel. My daughter, who has developmental delays, ADHD, and sensory perception disorder, originally was accepted in the school system. Having a speech impediment, left a lot of what she said misunderstood and was overlooked by adults, but not the children. They always seemed to know exactly what she was saying, almost like they had their own language. As she got older, her disorders became more pronounced. That is when parents began to avoid her, never inviting her to birthday parties, outings, etc. Of course, that carried over to the children’s behavior. Before long, my daughter found herself friendless and lonely.
People, and their mouths, can be ruthless. I have cried many a nights over things that have been said about, and to, my daughter. If only once that parent or child would put themselves in her shoes and scarcely imagine what her life is like, they may be less likely to open their mouth when it should remain shut.
I searched for a way to follow you, but just book marked your site instead. I’m happy to have found your site through the blog hop. Thanks for sharing your wonderful and inspiring story
Hi Mary! Thanks for sharing your story too. I like the idea of others thinking about what life is like from another point of view.
Oh, to follow the blog there are two options on the right hand side bar. If you scroll down you will see a banner that says ‘connect with me,’ there are two icons and you can just click on the word ‘subscribe’ if you have a news reader. The other option is just below that and you can type in your email address to have updates sent that way.
Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks Patty Anne ☺
PattyAnne, I can totally understand your three thieves. But as you say healthy comparison is never about competing. I am sure Elizabeth is turning out to be a beautiful girl with a mind of her own. All the best to you and your beautiful daughter
http://rimlybezbaruah.blogspot.in/2012/02/lingering.html
Pattyanne, You have surely giving us many ways to deal with the many thieves of joy! Thank you! Being a mother, I can relate to everything that is mentioned in this post. When my children were younger, I often found myself in situations where other mothers asked the same questions, “Is your baby crawling yet?” “Is he teething yet?” I tried carefully to not fall prey to these comparisons since I wanted to focus on my children’s individual strengths. Today, they are both adults and I’m still not fond of comparing their success or failure with anyone else’s!
Thanks for stopping by Bella! Focusing on children’s individual strengths is great advice!
Thank you!!!! We think a lot the same!!!
Hello PattyAnne,
I am not a parent, but I have nephews & nieces. I have witnessed some of what you describe. Elizabeth is beautiful & unique in her own way, as are we all. Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same anyway? Certainly not me…I love diversity!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this very interesting topic. I enjoyed reading your write-up.
Thanks Andy!
You have an AWESOME blog..it’s true comparison is a thief many times…..I even compare my my own trials with your daughters….why should anyone look at someone with less ability or dignity then anyone else’s . but it seems you have handled it in a much more graceful way then you…. wonderful post..it is nice meeting you…As always…..XOXOXOXOXO
http://bongoisme.blogspot.com/2012/03/comparison-thief-of-joy_01.html#axzz1okUsxRDs
Thank you!
Hi Patty, the best thing about you is, you know your daughter will definitely reach there, even if it’s a bit late.. but hey, look at it this way, the others are early – no problems. What is important is that Elisabeth is special, she is her own person and she will grow to be, given the way you are bringing her up.
You have recognised, identified and chucked the three thieves out of your and Elisabeth’s lives, and that’s the way to go. And just hang on to those ‘comebacks’.. for if it goes too far, don’t hesitate to use them.
Some people do need to be shown mirrors.
Take care..
Luv to both of you
Punam
Thanks for stopping in! I appreciate the support, sometimes people say, “just let it go.” I feel that if I just let every mean thing go, how is someone going to realize they are being hurtful? None of my comebacks are rude, they question the appropriateness of what ever the comment was. I think you mirror analogy is perfect for explaining this!
thank you for opening up and sharing. I also got rid of all my parenting book… my oldest daughter was born at 23 weeks gestation; I got tired of comparing and putting undue pressure on myself. I’m always so amazed at how insensitive people can be. I am so very impressed with the way you respond to others… very healthy approach!
Eliminating the parenting books was so liberating. I really feel like now I can just let my girl be herself. Who needs the added stress? I am looking forward to take a peek around your blog!